How Do You Know When Someone Is Controlling You?

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Those who try to control other people are, simply put, neither nice nor respectful. Controlling people are self-centered and young. They are likely to put the brakes on your leading a fulfilling, independent life if yous're in constant close proximity to them. In order to spare yourself getting too entangled with a controlling personality, or to awaken yourself to the fact that the controlling person is the one with the problem and non yous, here are some tried and tested ways to help y'all recognize a controlling person and reply accordingly.

Signs of a Controlling Person

1. 1

   Consider how y'all feel effectually the people in your life before all else. Do you take whatever relationships in which you feel suffocated, bossed around, confused or distressed, or merely evidently fed upwards with beingness told what to do a lot of the time (and feeling very guilty that you proceed giving in)? Is in that location someone in your life around whom you experience you take to tiptoe and be super careful to mollify or not anger? Practice you know someone who seems to accept "buttons" for going off at you at the simplest of things yous say or practice, often without rhyme or reason? If you feel that any of these situations have a ring of familiarity to them, then you may be dealing with a controlling person.^[1]

   • Decision-making people can exist male person, female, or exterior of the gender binary. Controlling relationships can be romantic or platonic. Be simply every bit wary of a jealous friend who hates your significant other as you lot are of your pregnant other, peculiarly if your friend is unhappy with their romances.
   • Just because someone has a forceful personality doesn't make them a controlling personality. The test is: Do they allow yous to exist yourself, or exercise they unduly influence your beliefs?
   • Distinguish people with strong boundary issues from controlling people by testing their reactions to other topics. If someone always blows up if they're touched without alert but doesn't react in a controlling manner if yous wear your pilus differently or lose weight or proceeds weight, etc., that is a purlieus issue. Other people's personal choices such as changing religion, dieting, preparation or do are boundary issues. Even if y'all think you're right and they're wrong, someone who's sensitive on any of these subjects is holding a boundary when it's about what they do with their life and how they're treated. It'south when they kickoff telling you who y'all are, what to wear, recollect, feel and practice that they're being controlling.
   • Don't experience too bad if yous observe that you are sometimes decision-making with other people in your life, peculiarly if you grew up with a controlling parent. On a deep level, whatsoever you grew upwards with feels "normal" and information technology takes work to terminate treating others the fashion you were treated. It'southward a big part of recovery to break the design in yourself. If you lot find information technology at the time, it helps to back upwardly and apologize to the person whose boundaries y'all crossed. This tin can salve healthier friendships and relationships in your life.

2. 2

   Look for moodiness. Moodiness is a key signal of a controlling person. Moody people tend to be mulling over perceived hurts and injustices that have happened to them and seek to remedy their internal pain and ameliorate their situation by controlling others.^[ii] What better than having someone else run at your beck and phone call and having another person accepting blame or existence afraid when you don't want to delve deeper into fixing your own source of hurting?

   • Moody people tend to sulk or bandage a drapery of gloom right in the middle of a moment of happiness.
   • These people will often throw a hissy fit when inadequate attention is being paid to them and their needs. This is a manipulative manner of controlling that can be hard to say no to because the person will often say they are in pain/upset/hurting and the like, trying to brand the other person feel bad for them.

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3. 3

   Doubtable whatever person who has a temper and uses it often. Frequent temper outbursts, especially those accompanied past bullying (the coward trying to control others) or threats (easier to shout out dire warnings of potential harm to you than to investigate their own internal source of damage) are a sign of a controlling person.^[3] Temper outbursts frequently happen when you lot disagree with them (however lightheartedly or kindly) or don't exercise exactly what they want you to do (which can be difficult to glean sometimes, equally many decision-making people expect you to be able to "read their mind"). In their minds, you are challenging their authority over y'all when you either disagree with them or don't comply with their wishes.^[4]

   • Coupled with moodiness, the moody temper-throwing person tin can exist a real handful because you never know where you stand up with this person. Unfortunately, their inability to handle and work through their anger or resentment can exist taken out on y'all as physical, verbal, emotional or sexual corruption. Never put upward with a person harming you. It is non your error that they hurt inside. Sadly, it is more probable that someone else in their youth behaved the same way toward them and they're perpetuating a bad cycle.

4. 4

   Think about how this person reacts to being asked normal questions. Questions tin can reveal several things in terms of a controlling person when they respond in a frustrated or condescending manner:^[5]

   • As already alluded to, a controlling person thinks that you can read their mind. If you ask bones questions nigh what to do together, where to become, what they want, etc., they can go easily frustrated considering they expected yous to have all of their needs thoroughly accounted for and placed ahead in priority over yours. Questions mean a conclusion nevertheless needs to be made, when the decision-making person thinks the decision has already been made, all near them and for their convenience.
   • Controlling people often assume that they empathize how you lot retrieve, even when they actually don't. They may become frustrated because their synthetic image of you is at odds with what yous say.^[6]
   • Questions can irritate a controlling person considering they would rather be in command of the questioning, not anybody else.
   • Questions can verify for a controlling blazon of person that the questioner is in need of guidance and control because they don't know the answer. This may really become worse over time because the controller is seeking to have the controlled person second guess his or her own controlling abilities.

5. 5

   Mind to how they speak to you. Decision-making people may try to command you by making y'all experience like you're their "everything."^[7] They may flatter you, even when these compliments are shallow or inaccurate. Often, though, controlling people will turn belittling or cruel at the driblet of a hat, especially if they think you've done something wrong.^[viii] If y'all frequently feel small-scale, embarrassed, humiliated, or lamentable after this person talks to y'all, you lot might be involved with a controlling person.^[ix]

   • For example: Cassie is Maya's best source of feeling adept near herself and she likes bossing Cassie effectually. And then, Maya often tells Cassie that she is a good friend only never agrees to call her her best friend even though Cassie often refers to Maya as her BFF. In this way, Maya holds out the possibility but never confirms it, putting her in command.
   • A decision-making person may put you lot down or brand you lot experience stupid in social club to become you to think that you need them. For case, Jake tells his girlfriend Sujata that she's overweight and could never become another boyfriend. He says she'south lucky he goes out with her. This is controlling and abusive beliefs, and you never need to put upwardly with information technology.
   • Controlling people often demean or criticize others equally a ways of building themselves up and appearing superior and in control. In fact, a controlling person is easy to spot from the constant monologue well-nigh how rotten, stupid, evil, ridiculous, annoying, etc. everyone else is (presumably they're never any of these things).

6. six

   Be wary of any person who seems incapable of understanding or accepting the word "no." ^[10] This person volition tend to insist until they wear yous down and brand yous give in, irresolute your house no to a weak aye, and leaving you lot feeling guilt-ridden and ashamed of yourself. Remember that information technology's your correct to make decisions, including ones that are in the negative and that refuse to exercise what this person asks.

   • A common type of control that happens in romantic relationships is pressure to accept sex.^[eleven] If your partner tries to pressure or guilt you into sex activity fifty-fifty when you don't feel similar it, they're attempting to command your behavior to get what they want. You always have the right to say no.

7. 7

   Consider what happens when you desire to be yourself or do your ain affair. Do y'all oftentimes find yourself altering your own personality, plans or views to fit someone else's, even if you lot are usually a stiff person?^[12] If and then, y'all might be dealing with a controlling person. Hither are some alarm signs:

   • Does the person ignore, underplay or override your own experience or expressions of your ain feelings? Controllers try to ascertain your reality. If you say you're tired and the person says you're not, that'southward a expert sign they are a controlling person. If yous say yous're upset and the other person ignores it, they may be controlling.
   • Do you lot often discover yourself expected to alter your plans for this person? Let's say you have your day all planned out, and and then y'all receive a phone phone call from a friend, and you lot tell them your plans. The person wants to join in with your plans, with the exception that your time doesn't work well for them, or mayhap that isn't the place they want to go. The next matter that you lot know, your plans accept totally inverse. Y'all end up seeing a movie that you didn't intendance to encounter, at a fourth dimension that y'all didn't really intendance to get.

8. viii

   Review how this person sees difficult situations, mutual decision-making or issues of responsibility. It is in these areas that you can truly spot the controlling person at total throttle. Unlike a highly opinionated person (who can be a hurting in their own right but isn't seeking to command, just air their own opinions loudly), a controlling person lacks the ability to tolerate or accept differences between the ii of y'all. Indeed, a controlling person is always seeking ways to modify some part of your core traits or personality, reshaping you every bit part of their feeble effort to control the world around them. While it could be said that relationships are not democracies, neither are they dictatorships. Information technology's important to seek a balance yous're comfortable with inside any relationship and the ability to compromise, tolerate, be flexible and give and take both ways is essential to healthy relationships.^[13]

   • About people who are controlling e'er throw in the statement the words, "y'all are the problem", or "you lot have a trouble." Nothing is e'er their fault.
   • Controlling people oft take difficulty dealing with issues objectively and will manipulate the chat to blame others when their own mistakes are pointed out. When this happens, end the discussion without allowing the controlling person to successfully shift their arraign to you and/or credit abroad from you or others.
   • If you really love this person, the "bind" they've got yous in tin can be even more difficult to both see and escape from because your love keeps trying to excuse their behavior.

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1. 1

   Look at what happens around your other relationships. When the controlling person is around your friends and supporters, watch out. The decision-making person will oftentimes effort to cause trouble between you and your friends, spreading rumors, attempting to create divisions (divide and conquer) and will fifty-fifty tell lies (exaggerations to be kinder) most you lot to them or about them to you, to try to break your attachment to them.^[fourteen]

   • The ultimate aim is to isolate yous from others and then that they tin can have you all to themselves, inside the reality they're trying to weave for you.^[xv] Stay warning; any endeavor to remove or downgrade your friends or supporters from your life is a red flag.^[16]
   • Controlling people are ofttimes unreasonably jealous. This is more than merely non liking it if some other person makes eyes at you. A controlling person will oft deed like they own you and have the correct to determine who you spend time with, what you lot practise, where you lot go, and when you come up home.^[17] This is not cute or a sign of their affection for you lot: it'southward controlling.

2. two

   Check out this person's own personal friendships. Controlling people often practice not have shut friends, and rarely are friends with others who are more than bonny, intelligent, or well-liked than themselves. They tend to be jealous of popular, successful people, and volition criticize those held in loftier-regard by others. A lack of close friends may be 1 additional sign of their inability to tolerate others and their need to command relationships tightly.

   • Relationships and friendships are not built on who is in control. They are mutual interactions based on shared give and take and always seeking balance.

3. 3

   Scout for abuse of administrative or social power, including when at that place are shared rights. A controlling person tends to continue up social and legal connections through whatsoever ways necessary, including threats of litigation, divorce, manipulating marriage, roommate tenancy contracts, shared cell telephone plans, misuse of shared credit and similar contracts. Fifty-fifty in social networks, 1 may block and unblock a person rather than delete the connexion, as another attempt to command a hard or failed human relationship. This is because controlling, calumniating people are desperate for power.^[18]

   • Suspect excessive generosity from a decision-making personality every bit an endeavor to impress and control you. Past seeming to give you lots of things, and so that you always feel like y'all're benefiting in some style, you end upwardly feeling every bit if you owe them something, perchance fifty-fifty long term. They then utilise that obligation you lot feel towards them to command you lot.^[19]

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1. i

   Accept the true nature of this person. Trust your gut feelings and try to be honest with yourself. If you come across these symptoms in another person and yous're feeling rotten around them, it's time to face up to removing them from your life or dealing with them differently. And be kind to yourself. This isn't the fourth dimension for berating yourself for being stupid enough to fall for a controlling person's antics; a decision-making relationship can creep upwardly on y'all unawares, cloaked in an initial involvement in y'all and a seeming intendance for yous which turns from all sweetness and roses into manipulative knife-twisting once the controller realizes yous're "caught."^[xx]

   • The stronger a person that you are, the harder a controlling person will work to tear you down. It's similar an ego trip for them. In other words, this is a backhanded compliment to you, that you are actually a strong and caring person targeted by a conniving individual who aspires to have your traits just hasn't got the courage.
   • Don't exist afraid to attain out to others you trust for your emotional needs. This will allow you to proceeds a more healthy perspective well-nigh your life, besides equally forcefulness you to seek out your ain individuality and independence abroad from this person. Do non provide an explanation to this person for your need for these changes. That will only invoke more than attempts at control since they will know what you're upwardly to and their manipulations volition prevail. Just make the changes.

2. ii

   Be prepared to have to set limits, to firmly make and uphold your point. Await the controlling person to endeavor to pressure or guilt you into doing what they want. They may try to utilize manipulation, such as "Surely, yous'd have to agree with...", or "If you love me, you'll exercise…"^[21] Or, they may try to employ edgeless force, such as "If you leave, so...", "You need to...", etc. When you hear these sorts of words, don't yield your boundaries.

   • Exist firm and make clear, direct statements, such every bit "I will not tolerate you monitoring my net use. If we are going to stay together I demand my privacy."
   • Don't exist surprised past bad reactions to your removing yourself from their sphere of control. When controlling personalities sense loss of control, they may psychologically induce physical bug such as back or stomach pain, headache, grief/tears, fainting or hives. This is just a way of gaining control of the situation again by grasping for the attention, sympathy and business organization of others. By all means drop them off at the doc's if you lot're concerned (a good fashion of sussing out their hypochondriac tendencies) but don't fall for information technology as a ways to staying to practice their behest.
   • Controlling people are very manipulative, whatever the reason behind their need to control. They will not similar it when you try to stand up for yourself most something that is important to you. Always endeavour to stay calm in conflicted conversations and practise not lose your cool. Keep in mind that they probably volition because you are challenging their command. Terminate conversations immediately –– if they outset to get verbally tearing –– either by leaving or saying farewell and hanging up the telephone.

3. 3

   Don't expect to fix them. You know that this person has controlling needs but yous don't demand to turn them into an accomplice in "fix the controller". Not only tin can y'all never "set" another person unless they're willing to change, explaining yourself volition only bring well-nigh more than manipulation.^[22] Remember at all times that the problem of command is theirs and not yours. Choose to work on your own behavior and issues, only don't assume that you can "change" the controlling person -- you tin can't.

4. 4

   Be trustworthy (fair and honest) but go along your views airtight away from this fact twisting, web spinning manipulator. The controller ofttimes wants to obligate you to volunteer personal information or to answer to questions on minor issues that seem to be fishing for your bad experiences, weaknesses or failings.^[23] This information is probable to be used to persuade or play mind games with you at a subsequently date (they have a very long memory for information discovered on such fishing expeditions).

   • If someone you've but met is already probing for intimate or highly personal information, be suspicious. They may exist a controlling person.

5. 5

   Decide to distance yourself. ^[24] When possible, avoid this person that you believe to be attempting to command you. You may fifty-fifty decide to cut them out of your life, merely this can be impossible if they're family, a loved 1 or a piece of work colleague. Some coping approaches include:

   • Keeping all interactions short and sweet.
   • Avoid mingling, fusing and confusing individual rights and choices, or unreasonably fostering their trend to exert command over you. This person wants to finesse or direct your decisions away from your ain desires for educational, lifestyle, career objectives, etc. By not accepting and appreciating your points of view unless you lot agree completely, they deny your personhood. Turn this around by simply stating that you capeesh their input simply that this is how things are going to exist for you. Become ahead and practise or be the things that represent you.

6. 6

   Have compassionate detachment. ^[25] While it is of import to be empathetic, it is as well of import to be detached and to permit go of this person'due south attitudes, problems and problems. They're not yours and you don't need to (and don't deserve to) shoulder their burden. It is the role of every human being to learn how to make our better sides shine forth and excusing someone's controlling behavior because they've had a crude life or whatsoever else simply continues enabling what is essentially very bad beliefs that is hurting them as much as information technology is hurting yous. Through compassionate detachment, yous can intendance near them equally a person without involving your own emotions and staying entangled in their web.

   • When you are compassionately detached, you care about the person, but you recognize that their behavior is wrong and yous cannot condone it. You lot do not support their behavior or permit it to continue in your life.^[26] For example, if your friend is trying to control who else you lot are friends with, you tin tell her, "I value you lot a lot, but I can't be friends with someone who tries to go along me from having anyone else in my life. If you are able to exist more free and open with me, we can continue to exist friends. If you lot continue in this way, we tin't be friends anymore."
   • This is non something you can learn overnight and you will neglect a lot trying to larn it. However, you will also learn it with do and the more than you exercise detachment, the more you will observe freedom and will learn how to let others exist without seeking to rescue, relieve or prop them up. Although it'due south not easy, it's easier than being an emotional slave to someone else all your life.

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• Question

  How can I tell if my partner is decision-making enough to interruption upwards with?

  

  Rebecca Tenzer is the owner and caput clinician at Astute Counseling Services, a private counseling practice in Chicago, Illinois. With over xviii years of clinical and educational experience in the field of mental health, Rebecca specializes in the handling of depression, anxiety, panic, trauma, grief, interpersonal relationships using a combination of Cognitive Behavioral therapy, Psychodynamic therapy, and other evidence-based practices. Rebecca holds a Available of Arts (BA) in Sociology and Anthropology from DePauw Academy, a Master in Instruction (MAT) from Dominican University, and a Master of Social Work (MSW) from the University of Chicago. Rebecca has served as a member of the AmeriCorps and is besides a Professor of Psychology at the collegiate level. Rebecca is trained every bit a Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (CBT), a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional (CCTP), a Certified Grief Counseling Specialist (CGCS), a Clinical Feet Treatment Professional person (CCATP), and a Certified Compassion Fatigue Professional (CCFP). Rebecca is also a member of the Cerebral Behavioral Therapy Guild of America and The National Association of Social Workers.

  

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  Sometimes it helps to wait at the things you want out of a good for you human relationship and compare that with what you are currently experiencing. What do you recollect is important in a healthy relationship? Are you receiving those things from your partner? If not, it may be time to rethink your relationship.

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• If you lot are a potent, secure person, you may over time start to feel a fleck weird almost how you tin never be correct in much of anything around this person, especially if it is a topic that the person feels confident of knowing. Listen to these feelings; they are there to guide yous. If you don't listen to them now, in a decade or and so you might be a one-time shadow of the person you were supposed to become. Don't permit that happen to you.

• A controlling person in a powerful position may use others in an attempt to control you lot by proxy. They might get others to enquire you how you feel almost them. You lot just sense that something isn't right. Practise not get drawn into specific conversations with a tertiary party if you doubtable they are being used for this purpose, stick to platitudes and generalisations.

• Try not to allow a controlling person to corner you, or make you feel helpless. No matter how bad your financial situation or life may become if you leave them, the quality of your life volition be worth the price!

• If y'all are being isolated or pushed into spending time with only "their" family and friends, that can bear witness a lack of respect for your feelings or wants.

• Real dependence attracts codependents. If you are disabled or accept chronic fiscal trouble or other major life problems that demand aid, you will almost inevitably wind up depending on some decision-making people for survival needs. Disentangling yourself from them if they are in charge of your benefits or medical intendance can take a lot of work. Certificate everything and seek the same services or assistance from healthier people. In at to the lowest degree some places a service like Adult Protective Services can intervene when social service workers, medical people or abode care workers are controlling and limiting your life beyond what your original problems cause.

• Never give controlling people any of your odd experiences nor deep or angry thoughts because they tin be used confronting you, to command y'all. Such thoughts would near likely be used to get y'all isolated from others, getting people to not like or trust y'all. Whether maxim things in your presence or talking behind your back, the controller probably wants you cornered -- to pull your strings equally if you're a puppet -- to go to be your but "friend" (your "principal mind"), as your puppeteer.

• Disability should be taken into business relationship. Some disabled people may e'er change their plans or be unable to go on up with things y'all want to do. If they say "no" to a lot of things and advise other things you may non enjoy, await at the reasons why. Examination the friendship by bringing upwards problems that are conspicuously your own choices - hair, wearable, opinions that accept nix to do with them. Since many people have chemical allergies to various scents and perfumes, if someone asks you non to use a certain shampoo or even not apply scents when visiting them, that's a physical boundary issue rather than an opinion of your perfume unless they tell y'all that y'all take to employ the odor of their selection instead.

• Remember you lot tin't command other people, but you can control your conscious reaction to them. Brand certain you are treatment things in a way you believe in but not just responding to them in the way they respond to you, to try to get through to them or get them back. Information technology will become you lot nowhere.

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• Gear up firm boundary lines of what is and isn't adequate to y'all when dealing with a decision-making person. They volition push these limits to test y'all. Stay house and don't back down.

• If yous find yourself irresolute your interests to those of the other person or giving upwardly former hobbies or friends, yous are probably in a controlling relationship.

• Lookout for people who try to play on the emotional side of yous to gain your trust early on in the friendship. Things such equally telling y'all what a difficult life they had because they were bullied six years agone, just they tell you that they tin can trust only you -- while trying to get you to tell them your bad experiences. So after they find out what others have said or done to injure you, they'll bring it up constantly like: "How did you experience when y'all were cheated on? Don't you recollect that you did something to deserve it?" They will seem sincere and caring at offset, but then they bring information technology up and use it to subtly insult you until you agree with them. This is sort of a heed game, influencing you to call up of yourself the way they want you lot to. You will ofttimes discover yourself feeling upset, angry and deflated later a conversation, then they will try to persuade you to do other things that they know yous don't like. You lot tin can tell the departure betwixt this and healthy sharing considering after sharing mutual painful experiences, both people normally come abroad feeling amend and feeling understood. When it's not like that, wait for the decision-making person's mind games.

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Article Summary 10

To recognize a controlling person, first by considering if you feel bossed around, distressed, or tired from having to alter your behavior. Additionally, decision-making people tend to assume they understand how others think and feel, tin go irritated by questions, and belittle others to build themselves upwards. If you suspect yous're in a controlling human relationship, don't be afraid to achieve out to people you lot trust to gain some healthy support. Then, set up some limits with the controlling person by making clear, straight statements about your needs or feelings. To larn how to distance yourself from a controlling person, go along reading.

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